Christmas!!!!

What a trying couple of months it has been... The unmeasurable amount of questions that have occupied my mind. I feel like I have often looked cold or bitter... so much confusion and lack of understanding. Fortunately, I realize this is not a sign of weakness or small faith, but indeed I have pulled through stronger and blazen with passion.

I am about to leave for China in 2 days.. yes, only 2 days! I keep thinking I am not prepared.. finals are binding me down, I'm moving, plus I have to pack! I want to be stressed, I feel like I should be stressed, but surprisingly a sense of peace has just covered me. It was actually in the midst of listening to a Christmas song:)

It really is more than a story, or some beautiful fairy tale.. I cannot even conceive the feelings of a young girl, being told she was about to birth the Savior of the world. The fear she must have felt... Bearing God's only son-- the gift for the world-- that set me free. This is what this season is all about. His nail-pierced hands, the wounds that lay open with my sin. How can I begin to want anything for myself knowing that the world is dying because they do not know of this gift??? I cannot be more grateful than to spend the next couple weeks retelling this story... and creating a portrait of my beautiful Savior.

I don't deserve any of this.

I believe my God is love. I am quarelling with accepting that God is selfish above loving. He is selfish in it that He wants us to love Him and bring Him glory, but I cannot fathom this God of love being so selfish that I couldn't believe He sent His Son for me. Which is not selfish if He did it for me. Did He simply have Jesus die, just so He could get glory, or because He loves us? And by loving us so much that His son died and we are redeemed and have to come to Him through the Son, in fact, brings Him glory. Which makes God receiving glory a by-product of His love for us. But is this really what is true?

I long for defense. I am striving to be solid so that I cannot be shaken. I may have to accept the direction of my beliefs are okay as long as it enables me to be the best Jesus to others I can be, though they aren't in line with what I want to believe. If that even makes any sense at all. I am believing today what I have to, in order to let the love of my Maker pour out to those around me the best.

It seems if I'm going to go half way across the world to share the gospel I should better understand it? Lord, strengthen my faith through this.

The worst battles are those within your own mind and soul... this perhaps being the essence of all I am called to be and the existence and authenticity of truth.

I'm bored.

I so quickly lose interest. I don't even have the patience or the desire to let people around me know me. I miss being around the people that bring out all my best traits. Like my friends from camp... I miss being goofy and telling the world who I am, and why I am. Somewhere along the way my understanding of Christ's desire to intimately know me became fuzzy next to my own desperation to be desired. People get in the way so easily.. Patience has escaped me and I am forgetting to only chase after my Maker and nothing else. I can't let myself become something or someone I'm not just to feel loved. I am loved!!! Sooo loved.

I have found truth, and I know truth, but somedays I don't accept it nor understand it. I justify my doubt with the idea that this is truth is not tangible... I can't touch it and I often cannot feel it. Absurd. I see truth everyday and can feel it with every breath I take. I have found romance. I know it.. but equally choose to give people credit for real romance and search for it within. How tragic. My Romancer embraces me with love daily.

Right now, no one can know me because my only definition is from the one who defined every feature I have-- my personality, my beauty, my heart. If I'm not seeking to refine myself every morning in Him then I am blur to everyone around me. I am concealed..

Lord I desire the patience to know and understand in a deeper way.. give me patience and strength to allow others to see beyond the buried identity and into your heart.

I am so thankful to be in a place where I can openly seek Him, know Him, and share Him. So how could I hold back???

I used to be such an affectionate person. Somewhere along the way my urge to love just to feel warmth became pale compared to my innate passion to do something big. I kind of became rugged at feeling, well, feelings... It's like the pain of the nations cut so deep that I became numb to the simple things. I built barriers to my own heart-- probably because of personal wounds and let downs. It is important to focus on the big picture, and it is okay to be so desperate to GO--but amidst the journey of getting there I cannot forget about my own affections. I ultimately am talking about my affection for Jesus-- and that my love for Him will cause me to do things I have never done before. Although, I think it is crucial to show affection for my surrounding loved ones-- and those also in love with Jesus. If we have already committed to an unconditional love for Christ--then it is okay to fall in love with each other, because we are falling in love with Jesus in them. I want to hug someone. That's all. A real hug. Not some side hug or pat on the back-- but I want the hug to be a genuine embrace.. the kind where you hold on for those extra few seconds and get lost in the moment. I want to get lost in affection.. caught in love for something bigger than myself.

who we are.

I was part of a missions group that went to New Orleans this past weekend and of all the jaw dropping events, people, things, etc that I saw and was a part of, there is one thing I heard that cannot escape me. As a parade for Dia de los Muertos (the day of the dead) passed around 10:30 at night -filled with the most creative sinners I've ever seen-- I overheard a man say "there go the Christians--walking the other way."

Yep, it is indeed what we are known for.. our judgement. And it sucks.

Lord, teach me how not to walk the other way. Teach me to be a lover like You. Give me words and actions to portray the same love you have for me, but for a man struggling with addiction who has no place to sleep. I want to know how to convey Your vast love, inspite of their circumstances. I don't know how...

I no longer want to be mocked for my Christian title-- in fact, I don't even want to be known for the title-- I want to be known as an intimate lover of all people. I'm not comfortable being where I am now, I need less--but in a way that seems more.

It's the days that I have to search hard for any bit of goodness that really make me praise my King. The days when it rains-- it pours-- I think of every horrible thing going on around me and find myself in a mess of life. But then to find happiness I have to find the tiny things to bring a smile.. and then I realize that the joy from the small things come from Jesus and then I feel this sigh of relief brewing within. Sooo delighted that the Creator cares about details sometimes. It just goes to show that when we quit worrying about the articulate parts of life and look to the big picture, God will reveal His blessing in the simple smiles of our friends, the slightest touch of a high-five, the somber sleep of babies, the glorious feeling you get when the sun hides behind a cloud and your pupils open and all the sudden you can see so much more, or when the caf has good fries, or a friend tells you how easy a midterm is about to be, and you get an A on a paper, you take a 20 minute nap and it is as rewarding as a 3 hour nap, and a 30 minute hot shower.. the list goes on, and to think these are just the little details of one day that set my heart to glow. He really is good, even when all the big things seem a mess.
Blessed be his name.

you.

How can he claim to be that man?
How can his words be so vast, so real, so piercing?
Yet the ways of his feet lead to nowhere.
Lead to pain.
Abandonment.
How can he teach of love.. a fight, worth all of life?
How do you understand what is described as love, being told by the lover, and betrayed by the same soul?
Will she ever understand her value, her worth as His daughter?
If she is beauty, if I am beauty.
What an image.
May I.
May We.
Let us know the value.


For she holds strength for both hearts... bold enough to endure in the seemingly endless cause, fight, and maybe even war.

What makes sense is making no sense at all.

Ohh Mobile.

A friend and I went downtown tonight for dinner at this little Irish social club, we opted to sit outside because it was beautiful out... I did not think that my simple dinner would turn into such an internal debate, of course, I had to be disturbed and uncomfortable because that is exactly what I asked for. We had an extra seat at our table, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes after we sat down that we were joined by a woman wandering the streets of Mobile. This woman immediately began talking at a pace so fast I understood about every 3rd sentence. She seemed like she was in trouble, perhaps someone was looking for her-- it was clear she was running from something, maybe just reality-- I don't think it would be too impolite to say that she wasn't "all there". All I could do was listen.. the woman was not the disturbing part I came to find out-- it was the people around me that were laughing and looking at her as if she were less than human. I made my attempt to embrace her, but as soon as I opened my mouth to show her I cared to listen she was offended and not much later were we joined by the workers at the bar and a large man who came to make sure my friend and I weren't being bothered.

This really sent me over the edge. Of course I wasn't bothered! I was only bothered by the fact that these people around me made it impossible for the barriers to be broken down between us and this woman. She hurried away to no home.. saying "You'll see me on the front page tomorrow." She had previously spoke of killing a man.. What?! Welcome to Mobile.

I hate it that I am on the wrong side, and not by choice. I made an attempt-- and I hope that my few words of compassion will remain in her mind until she realizes someone does love her.

So much for a simple day.

On the other side of things.. I just found out I will be spending my summer amongst my very own in the great city of St. Louis! I am ready to rock that place... and I'm working side-by-side with one of my favorite people ever.. It's going to be amazing.. especially seeing my wonderful family! God, keeps on surprising me!

I'm going to go watch Full House now.

It's really some story....

You know, it's hard to know where to begin. Feeling at a loss for words all in the same moment as an over abundance of thoughts, desires, passions.. steaming from every ounce of my being. I feel so trapped... some days I wake up wondering and wandering. Chasing after dreams that lie at my fingertips, questioning the craze to be anywhere but here, frustrated with the lack of outlets, all awhile having the equipment to spur my passions. I think, what's the use?

Here I am at this school with people who are so narrow, so focused on appearing to have it all together because they are "Christians". Amidst this people, the name of my Jesus is being put to shame. And I am nothing but a common contributor. I've learned that I'm a mess.. and this mess resides within the body we call church and I cannot recover/we cannot recover until the world that made us so sick becomes better. But how?

Accepting this lifestyle meant I accepted the negative perceptions as a Christ Follower. Which means, I have to set out to redeem the name of Christ... not focusing so much on morality, but rather being a lover of people. Because we are hated for so many misconceptions. I want the eyes of Jesus. Jesus never saw a prostitute, He never saw a tax collector, or a thief, or a terrorist-- He only saw a child of God. But then I begin thinking to myself.. well, who do I really know that even fits this? How many poor friends do I even have?

So here it lies.. I need to be disturbed. Uncomfortable. I need to find some new friends.

I am beginning to think my life needs to look a little more like poetry... I was created to have imagination. I was created to be CREATIVE. I know it's brewing within. I am still just waiting. And ugh, my patience is running dry.

I learned more this past weekend from my walk in the park with some friends than I did at the entire conference I attended (and I don't mean the part where I took a leak in a public park or when Ashley mistook the homeless men for bumper cars or when the boys were offered a woman (im being discreet.) or even getting lost multiple times downtown)... We were having a really great time, being crazy, just exploring downtown Atlanta. We went to Piedmont Park and well, it was interesting. We were walking around kind of quietly all taking in the beauty of the skyline, disturbed by the sirens, broken for the homes we found among the benches and trees.. I was following the side of the lake looking down off the concrete at what seemed to be a very steep drop off. I was nervous to even peek over the side because there was no protective railing. As I fearfully grabbed the arms of those walking next me I stopped for a second, gazing into the waters and seeing the reflection of the clouds in the sky. As I saw this I imagined myself being turned upside down, and for a moment I was on top of the world, with the sky below me. This began to sink in and I started to see Jesus gazing back at me.. telling me the water is deceiving. It was beautiful, but I was too scared to even reach for the water because it appeared so far out of reach. As I walked further down the path I started to see my own reflection, so I knelt down beside it. I could feel the steam of the water caressing my face. How could waters so deep reach me? As I looked closer, I noticed the water wasn't deep at all, that it was only inches below the surface of the sidewalk! All this time I had been walking in so much fear of a steep drop off when all along the water was shallow and with in reaching distance. I understood that this is exactly how I live my life quite often... in so much fear of the distance, unable to grasp what lies in front in me.. SO deceived by this life, by this culture that I live in so much timidity. Lord, if I could live one day freely without fear, I truly believe people will see you. I want to live in such a way that my life is worth telling a story about. Why would I want to be lukewarm when I can live my life radically in love as an adventurer??!!
And God said "But since you are lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" (rev. 3:16) There's really no other choice!

He is good... really good. I love how I am falling in love with everything around me.. Today at work I caught myself really engaged in some of the parents of the kids after school-- these are people that most would not associate with, and here I am falling in love with them. Okay, this isn't me. And I really like it.

I dare you to ask Him to use you... you have no idea what you're in for, and apparently neither do I.

Show me your ways, LORD,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long. -Ps. 25:4-5

I want to be so immersed in my Savior and forgotten by all else. I just want to seek You. Falling in love today... What a beautiful morning! Look how much He loves me. :) Lord, may he find me because he seeks you... Lord may they see me and just see You... Lord let us chase you.

It's no use pretending...

I just had a 3 1/2 hour drive from Birmingham back to Mobile, preceded by a plane ride from St. Louis... It's dangerous to have that much thinking time so close together. My mind has not stopped spinning since around 4 o'clock this afternoon and that exhausts me! I'm wondering when did I become a person of so many feelings and emotions??? I am not sure if I like this person or not. I really don't like not understanding what you feel and so frustrated because of it that you begin saying things that make no sense. And every word said without thought puts another dent in the beauty...


As I saw his lip quiver for the first time when I entered the room I nearly broke down.. Little did I know that for the next 48 hours I was going to see this happen time and time again as I watched my grandfather become so overwhelmed by the love of his family that he lost his tenacity of being the most stubborn man alive. Walls were torn down all over the place this weekend as my family came from coast to coast (literally) to be with him. Quite frankly I couldn't stop praising God for bringing us together like He did... We all had an unspoken fear... expressed through the frequent outbursts of tears that we would shamely turn our backs to hide from each other how we really felt. It took all I had to leave them today... I want to go back so bad. I left not knowing what to say, not knowing what would happen. As I said good-bye to my grandpa I told him I would see him at Thanksgiving... he then began to cry uncontrollably. I will see him. I so desperately just want him to know it and to feel the warmth of hope, to understand a life placed in God's hands cannot be touched. One way or the other, he will be fine.. I guess I am writing out of my own lack of hope. It hurts... 9 am tomorrow, don't forget to pray.

In other news.. about those hours of thinking. I'm at a loss of wisdom.. needing much discernment. The more I learn, the more I read, the more I seek Christ... the less I find myself knowing and the more hungry I become. I'm striving for simplicity. Becoming simple is the most complex destination I've set out on. In being simple I find myself being more radical, less refined, more frustrated, and a heck of a lot more eager. I want so much to share this with someone, I want someone to say their heart is in the same place, grab my hand, and say let's go. I want to love so unconditionally... but all those I seek to love, reject it. I guess I should get used to it.. Jesus felt that everyday. I will keep loving without fear. Knowing I have the ultimate Love and Romancer pursuing me everyday.

Tomorrow will be hard and I accept that...


She says wake up, it's no use pretending
I'll keep stealing, breathing her
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms

I've got an itch...

I think school is junk sometimes. I am so ready to get out. It's not that I don't enjoy school, because really, learning is great... when I'm actually learning. I think one of my classes meets that requirement. Boo. The rest of the time I find myself drowning in books of my own choice.. Dreaming about places.. Thinking about people.. Fantasizing about the world.. Desiring to meet people that don't all look like me, talk like me, act like me. I am just ready to go. And the worst part, the only one other than my Creator who knows about this.. is this blog. This silly blog. Who am I anyways?! I would have never thought that a blog would be something I so diligently vented to day after day. It is the keeper of all my secrets and all my desires.. Yet, anyone can read, anyone can be a part of it. I guess that's the best part.. But, who will join me? Who will take my hand in this journey and escape this reality with me? I am ready for God to give me someone to go with.. I just want to be able, at the end of the day, to pour out my joy and excitement for the world, and wake up the next day and make it a reality with him.

Some sappy love story.. it's true. But that's what life is. I am ready to journey. Heck, I want to try new things. I want to backpack. I want to camp. I want to eat things I've never seen or heard of. I want to be frustrated because I can't understand languages around me. I want to be disgusted at smells of poorly cared for villages. I want to cook dinner for a family. I want to hug a dying child and tell them there is still hope. I want to teach a mother and father how to love, because it's all they have left to give. I want to give away my last material possession to a girl my own age. I want to live outside. I want to walk barefoot. I want to be with my soulmate... and even more, I want to seek the Maker of the universe and tell Him more.

I want to go.

Lord, please let these words never become simply words, but let them spur me into greater passions and greater wisdom of You.

Praise God for waking me up today! This week is going to be amazing... I get to see my family this weekend!!!!!! And the best part, my baby brother doesn't know... I love surprises and I can't wait to see the look on his face. Just, everything is good..

what?

Why when you feel it the clearest thing to rid your life of something it haunts you!? You'd think it would be easier to determine what Satan is tempting you into as oppose to what God desires for your life. I need an intervention...

Longing for a redemptive weekend. I miss my family, I miss Baylor, I miss my sisters, I miss Bush's chicken... I really don't miss camp, just my life before camp. Lord, help me to see today why I'm here and not there. Life was so much easier before! I am undoubtedly developing the strength needed for what's about to come. Okay, I get it. This is exciting.

Gotta love Fridays.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness, and speak kindly to her. Then I will give her her vineyards from there, and the valley of Achor as a door of hope. - Hosea 2:14-15

He will allure me.

Intrigued and amazed. What great love this is.

My heart is His home.

Today was long, but it ended with falling into His arms and being affirmed of why I am here, once again. 2 months ago, I let go of it all... and He has not abandoned me through any of it. The pieces are fitting together perfectly and I don't understand why.

Let anyone among you who is without sin, be the first to throw a stone at her. -Jesus

This is our world:

"Smiling cynically, Angel saw on one corner a man preaching salvation while on the other his brother, hat in hand, fleeced the godforsaken. Everywhere she looked, there were desperate men, exiled from home and family, seeking escape from the purgatory forged by their own decaying hopes for a future."

Let this not be the place we live. Loneliness is all around.. how can one make it without truth? Though we are weary, goodness will come.

This is the start of a beautiful, redeeming week. Everyday is a new step, a growing journey. Being independent, quiet, and still.. letting the world around me move while I just listen-- a whole new me is developing. I have my Jesus and I have my story... now I've gotta go make a movement. Dare to pursue the harlot?

Degrading service...

Today I am the woman at the feet of Jesus... being a notorious sinner, so undeserving of His presence, yet by and through His grace I am saved by my faith. Only because I am realizing the depth of my sin can I grasp the complete forgiveness offered to me. Whom does He love more? The debtor of 500 denarii, forgiven, or of 50? The sinner who has sinned much, and confesses, or the sinner whose sins are barely noticeable?

A person who is forgiven little, shows little love. This love consumes me because I am understanding the depths of my life of contempt, and the renewing and cleansing of my life as His!

If a woman can use the most costly oil to cleanse the feet of a man, what will be my sacrifice? Are my tears of gratitude enough to even begin to service the feet washing? I long for humility that surpasses where I am today. Let me be the woman at His feet.

New Orleans

Such a refreshing weekend... I went to New Orleans for the first time. What an experience. I was so blessed to get to see some camp friends:).


The best part of the trip was in the French Quarter. Britt and I stopped to take some pictures when she recognized a man who had come to her church... This man was homeless and was sitting with 2 of his homeless friends. We stopped to talk to them and I got to speak with Andre, who inspired me tremendously. This man literally has nothing but the clothes on his back, but was okay with it. He had such a solid faith that God would provide all he needs, he even said God provided him with a lot of things he wanted too. He talked about how he had a ministry right there in his own living room (referring to jackson square). He said people would come down maybe once or twice and share the gospel with them, but then go back home to their comfortable, nice homes. He reminded me that Jesus spent His time, right there, among the poor, the rubbish, the hopeless. Andre understood that God had a plan for his life and he was living it; he had no questions, he just lived it. Andre then began to encourage me... He told me I was beginning a journey, and it was going to be remarkable.

James 2:5.

"Did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?"

He is right. This journey is remarkable.

By the way... Andre has a family living in Virginia that would gladly take him in... In fact, he didn't even move to New Orleans until a few months ago-- He wasn't affected by the hurricane whatsoever. He just simply wanted to go and be with those who were.

Ps. 10:14.

"The unfortunate commits himself to You; You have been the helper of the orphan... O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed. "

Today I will love without fear.
Today I will be more free than ever.

Today is a new day... and I'm dedicating it to you.

Let's go.

Is it fair? Is it fair that we can say every person matters... when they are living without food and water, when they have simple diseases that can be cured with better sanitation, yet die because there is no hope? Is it fair that people are born crippled and handicapped? Or that children are abandoned without a parent, without dinner, without clothes? Is it fair that 29,000 children are dying everyday because they are hungry? Is it fair to say that every person matters yet this is the world we live in.

I think we don't understand who they matter to. I think we don't understand our role as believers, as Christ followers, as humans even.

How am I supposed to accept my lifestyle when I could be saving a life?

I think we just have to come to terms with where God has called us right now, in this moment... and how can we in this very moment and place in life be resourceful for the Kingdom... No, it's not just replacing actions with sympathy if we are fully surrendered everyday where we are. Whether that be education-- study to save the world. Or work-- work like you are saving a life. Whatever it may be, I think we just have to do it for Jesus and understand that here we are capable of changing lives across the world.


It won't take away my passion to go... but it will simply conciliate me today. Everyday creating a greater ambition.

Confidence.

I am becoming comfortable here. Loving the pace of life. A much slower pace than I have probably ever had... Did I ever mention that Alabama is a little behind in time? No one is in a hurry for anything down here.

I always know when my world is about to be shaken. At the moment of comfort, I finally begin to adapt to a routine and kick back and enjoy my surroundings-- this is usually when life gets turned upside down. I can never be fully prepared for what I am about to experience. All I know is each time I am more prepared than the last. Right now, I am so confident in where I stand in life and who I am as a child of God, I feel as if I could take on anything. Whether it be another upset phone call, another heartbreak, a disappointment-- or on the brighter side, something great could be about to take place.

I am so challenged to do something great right now. I am being called into something, but can't quite put my finger on it. I've been praying about a bible study with some of the girls I've gotten close to... but not sure. I really miss being in a nursing home. This summer my eyes were opened to the abandoned hearts of the elderly, and I really miss loving on them and listening to their stories. I wonder where He will lead me next?

In other news... I had a very uplifting weekend. I experienced Alabama football. Which, is not at all just about football, it's a culture- a way of life. I had boiled peanuts-- pronounced "bold" peanuts. They were actually quite good. Who would have thought? I could probably go on and on with a list of new things I have experienced since being here. I had a spontaneous trip to the beach with a good friend... It was so good to just delight in the beauty of all God created. To hear the sound of the ocean at night... everytime the wind blew I could feel the embrace of my Maker. I just can't stop falling more in love.

He keeps rescuing me.

"Be still and know that I am God... I will be exalted among the nations... I will be exalted among the Earth." How big, how great-- just standing here without movement- knowing He longs to be known across the nations. I cannot wait to go. The people of Guiyang are about to be shaken... China. December 10th, 2007. He will be known!

A new day.

I'm actually getting over it.

I am blessed. Though I feel like I've lost-- I am being embraced by something much greater.

In the quiet of my day, He talks to me... how good it is to be pursued.

Everything here is meaningless- all knowledge I should count as nothing. For the foolish and the wise have the same fate. However, from the wise (or foolish?) words of Solomon, how about we take pleasure in what we have today-- the work of God's hand. Apart from Him, I have no delight in anything I ever do or anyone I ever meet. So, I am letting go of the things which satisfied me apart from Him. "For everything there is a season... a time to cry and a time to laugh... a time to embrace and a time to turn away... to be quiet, and to speak."

Was there ever really a broken heart? Nah... it's been His the whole time.

Many lessons being learned... good times.

Catching each other:)

So overwhelmed by grace.
How undeserved.
I am so desperate to fall deeper in love... Being here is pointing me more and more to the cross. I hope that I am so deeply covered in the word and love that I am nothing more than a mere instrument to motivate others to find this Love.

I love catching others seeking... How blessed am I to have brothers and sisters surrounding me, all with one pursuit- to grow in Christ.

My first weekend in Mobile- wow. :)

I am loving it here.

Constant Motion

I'm finding that in the chaos of what I have going on, or the confusion of life and love, or simply in the moment of my own resting-- the Maker, Creator of it all, is in motion-- pursuing me endlessly.

The past few months have been the greatest experience of Christ's presence I have yet to encounter. Serving Him without seize, pouring out when I am dry, and carrying much, though I am weak. I came out a different person. It was not an easy journey-- in fact, there was much heartache and pain endured-- but God meant it when He told me He was going to strip me of all things I was holding onto and bring me to a place where I have nowhere to go but to Him.

So, as camp ended two weeks ago-- I left Nashville, TN, changed-- I grew so much spiritually, yet had such a void. I was missing my family God had given me this summer and longed to be back in the world where I woke up and went to bed surrounded by passionate seekers of Christ-- in a fantasy world, or so it seemed. Even for a moment found myself knee deep on a cloud of bliss that was ever so deceiving. Left broken hearted and confused. But forever changed and it only allowed me to fall deeper in the arms of the ultimate Healer and Sustainer-- I was able to be restored.

Many convictions entered my life this summer... all pointing me to where I am now. Mobile, Alabama-- what?? Yes, it's true. I gave up my dream at Baylor, all in pursuit of His dream for my life. Still not understanding what that is, but I do know that He needed me to give up all the things I was holding onto so that I can be fully surrendered. Already He is revealing much of His plan for my life here. Placing people to love and encourage me-- and many, so many, opportunities to serve. I am still adjusting but I am confident in where my heart is and I know that soon doors will be opening and my purpose will become clear:). It's a refreshing feeling-- starting over in a sense.

I have learned that God is constantly aware of every feeling and emotion I am having. Though there are moments and feelings of abandonment-- In little, to no time, He intervenes with His embrace and reminds me that I am His own and He has a plan for my life. I am expecting great things, confidently seeking Him. All brokeness allows Him to receive more glory... and though I still am at a loss of understanding for love in and through people-- I know there is reason for me to allow people in, and though people fail me and each other, He can still use it-- if only for the moment-- to show me His embrace and His constant pursuit to intimately know me.

I cannot for a second get enough.

It's Now.

These words are so pale in comparison to the words spoken to me in the past few days, they can only be a glimpse at what remarkable moments with my Maker I have experienced recently.

Looking back several years ago I can remember being called out, set aside, chosen... being passionate and contagiously ambitous. I was 14 years old and heard the voice of the creator of the universe speaking specifically to me, to my heart-- desiring ME to GO. I responded in a very real way and went... but not long after I became a mere instrument contributing to a fallen world. How was I on such a narrow path with so much hope but so easily and readily took part in a life that I always knew was not mine?

After several years of falling and failing... riding this rollercoaster of a life... engaging in a sinful mess I called my own... It is now, in this moment, in this place I seek my Sustainer once more. Im astonished at how He can take a life as disatrous as mine and still provide a way out.. and furthermore, He desires to USE me.

I feel like I have crossed over in intense way. Not that I have returned to my old passionate lifestyle, but I have found a new, fiery life even more filled with passion than before. I can rejoice and find so much happiness, specifically because I know what it was like to be in the fire, to be His fallen and lost sheep, the prodigal child... and He has brought me from that life. And now I'm here in Nashville, surrounded by people so desperate to serve and love people that I cannot give credit to none other than the healing, providing, merciful God. Two days of this journey have come and gone, but a lifetime, an eternity has already been changed. What an incredible feeling it is to love those I have yet to meet... to sincerely care for the children, the lost, the poor, the abandoned souls of Nashville. By simply desiring to love as Jesus loves, I can love people despite what they are-- but I can see them as beautiful masterpieces in need of a reason. And to think, for the next 2 months I get the opportunity to portray the image of Christ-- to give them reason, purpose... a life worth living.

My God Rocks.

Remaining

Finally!! Finally, someone asked me again why I was so happy, what did I have to be happy about??? A few months ago I had expressed the source of my joy and how it was so prevelant daily, and daily people were being shown an image of Christ because of my satisifaction in Him. Tonight I finally got it back!! I just love how the Lord places people and conversations in your life at the perfect timing of encouragement. I am so challenged to remain in this place, to be a woman of virtue and integrity that is really seeking out God's character.

I have been so scared watching every step I am taking not knowing where I am going or what missile could possibly be thrown in my direction next... These words come to mind.. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity , but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-displine." (2 Timothy 1:7) Discipline in the name of the Lord is my desire.. Loving others with His love.. Being empowered by humility. It feels so good to be in this moment of weakness, my life has never felt in more control to be honest. I am so safe and surrendered. My strength is found in Him.


Thanking my creator for the community he has placed before me... for allowing all my hope and the cries of my heart to be directed upward.

At war.

Holding the tears back.
Filling the air with laughter.
Standing for nothing, nothing but selfish gain, pleasure, and mere acceptance. I sometimes find my pride being the facade I've created to cover the utter confusion of who I am.
Emphasizing my desire to be loved, rather than to love... I am drowning in myself, choking on who I am, suffocated by my own ignorance.

I am battling Me.

The truth is, I cannot be the one to claim victory anymore. Despite how it appears, I have no control over my own life, and no longer desire to. -Step one to this breakdown I am approaching.

Over the past few months I have decided that I need chaos, something, anything to occupy my time... little did I know my mind, heart, and integrity would also be occupied and compromised in place of. I've been on a road to nowhere, a journey leading to a compromise of me. I've appeared happy, but have taken no time to sit and really determine the source of my happiness and the fact that it was coming from an empty foundation. I can't remember the last time I sat down and passionately sought out God's desire for right now in my life... I have simply told myself "oh, you have the summer to be with God" ha, I planned to go visit Him? Wow, who am I anymore?!?

And even worse, the past few months I have given every lost person in my life a completely distorted image of God. I have been contemplating how to fix this... How to represent the God I have denied, and convey that He really is what/who I live for, despite the deficiency of Him I have shown recently. I must simply accept my failures-- words will not change it, it is my actions that will determine the real change.

So here I am, desiring brokeness-- relinquishing my pride and control and inquiring humility.

It is true that when the enemy detects a challenge he will rise up and attempt to bring the Lord's servants down... I fully believe that because I am on the brink of being fully surrendered and brought to the discretion of God's use, I must stand even more solid on my faith because I am being stretched.... I almost lost it, but I am back!

"God, my God why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" This verse continues to cry out as if one is completely forgotten and far from the Lord, questions as to how He is "enthroned as the holy one"... however, " They cried to you and were saved, In you they trusted and were not disappointed... He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one... He has listened to his cry for help." {from Psalm 22} Reading this verse it feels like this was my exact prayer.. and answer.

I had forgotten how sweet his mercies were...

My desire is to be silent, even if He is silent and just be reminded of what a great maker I have and delight in who He his. I want to be reminded of my role as His child... and my WORTH as His own. I am learning what it means to need Him, despite my pride.

This is just the interuption I have been asking for.

And a lifetime later.

I realize that I have not posted anything up here for awhile. This does not mean that nothing exciting is taking place in my life... It simply means too much exciting is taking place in my life! I will be updating soon... the Lord is really working and so is the rest of the world. Much to say, much to know, much to be. Stay tuned.