It's no use pretending...

I just had a 3 1/2 hour drive from Birmingham back to Mobile, preceded by a plane ride from St. Louis... It's dangerous to have that much thinking time so close together. My mind has not stopped spinning since around 4 o'clock this afternoon and that exhausts me! I'm wondering when did I become a person of so many feelings and emotions??? I am not sure if I like this person or not. I really don't like not understanding what you feel and so frustrated because of it that you begin saying things that make no sense. And every word said without thought puts another dent in the beauty...


As I saw his lip quiver for the first time when I entered the room I nearly broke down.. Little did I know that for the next 48 hours I was going to see this happen time and time again as I watched my grandfather become so overwhelmed by the love of his family that he lost his tenacity of being the most stubborn man alive. Walls were torn down all over the place this weekend as my family came from coast to coast (literally) to be with him. Quite frankly I couldn't stop praising God for bringing us together like He did... We all had an unspoken fear... expressed through the frequent outbursts of tears that we would shamely turn our backs to hide from each other how we really felt. It took all I had to leave them today... I want to go back so bad. I left not knowing what to say, not knowing what would happen. As I said good-bye to my grandpa I told him I would see him at Thanksgiving... he then began to cry uncontrollably. I will see him. I so desperately just want him to know it and to feel the warmth of hope, to understand a life placed in God's hands cannot be touched. One way or the other, he will be fine.. I guess I am writing out of my own lack of hope. It hurts... 9 am tomorrow, don't forget to pray.

In other news.. about those hours of thinking. I'm at a loss of wisdom.. needing much discernment. The more I learn, the more I read, the more I seek Christ... the less I find myself knowing and the more hungry I become. I'm striving for simplicity. Becoming simple is the most complex destination I've set out on. In being simple I find myself being more radical, less refined, more frustrated, and a heck of a lot more eager. I want so much to share this with someone, I want someone to say their heart is in the same place, grab my hand, and say let's go. I want to love so unconditionally... but all those I seek to love, reject it. I guess I should get used to it.. Jesus felt that everyday. I will keep loving without fear. Knowing I have the ultimate Love and Romancer pursuing me everyday.

Tomorrow will be hard and I accept that...


She says wake up, it's no use pretending
I'll keep stealing, breathing her
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms