It's really some story....

You know, it's hard to know where to begin. Feeling at a loss for words all in the same moment as an over abundance of thoughts, desires, passions.. steaming from every ounce of my being. I feel so trapped... some days I wake up wondering and wandering. Chasing after dreams that lie at my fingertips, questioning the craze to be anywhere but here, frustrated with the lack of outlets, all awhile having the equipment to spur my passions. I think, what's the use?

Here I am at this school with people who are so narrow, so focused on appearing to have it all together because they are "Christians". Amidst this people, the name of my Jesus is being put to shame. And I am nothing but a common contributor. I've learned that I'm a mess.. and this mess resides within the body we call church and I cannot recover/we cannot recover until the world that made us so sick becomes better. But how?

Accepting this lifestyle meant I accepted the negative perceptions as a Christ Follower. Which means, I have to set out to redeem the name of Christ... not focusing so much on morality, but rather being a lover of people. Because we are hated for so many misconceptions. I want the eyes of Jesus. Jesus never saw a prostitute, He never saw a tax collector, or a thief, or a terrorist-- He only saw a child of God. But then I begin thinking to myself.. well, who do I really know that even fits this? How many poor friends do I even have?

So here it lies.. I need to be disturbed. Uncomfortable. I need to find some new friends.

I am beginning to think my life needs to look a little more like poetry... I was created to have imagination. I was created to be CREATIVE. I know it's brewing within. I am still just waiting. And ugh, my patience is running dry.

I learned more this past weekend from my walk in the park with some friends than I did at the entire conference I attended (and I don't mean the part where I took a leak in a public park or when Ashley mistook the homeless men for bumper cars or when the boys were offered a woman (im being discreet.) or even getting lost multiple times downtown)... We were having a really great time, being crazy, just exploring downtown Atlanta. We went to Piedmont Park and well, it was interesting. We were walking around kind of quietly all taking in the beauty of the skyline, disturbed by the sirens, broken for the homes we found among the benches and trees.. I was following the side of the lake looking down off the concrete at what seemed to be a very steep drop off. I was nervous to even peek over the side because there was no protective railing. As I fearfully grabbed the arms of those walking next me I stopped for a second, gazing into the waters and seeing the reflection of the clouds in the sky. As I saw this I imagined myself being turned upside down, and for a moment I was on top of the world, with the sky below me. This began to sink in and I started to see Jesus gazing back at me.. telling me the water is deceiving. It was beautiful, but I was too scared to even reach for the water because it appeared so far out of reach. As I walked further down the path I started to see my own reflection, so I knelt down beside it. I could feel the steam of the water caressing my face. How could waters so deep reach me? As I looked closer, I noticed the water wasn't deep at all, that it was only inches below the surface of the sidewalk! All this time I had been walking in so much fear of a steep drop off when all along the water was shallow and with in reaching distance. I understood that this is exactly how I live my life quite often... in so much fear of the distance, unable to grasp what lies in front in me.. SO deceived by this life, by this culture that I live in so much timidity. Lord, if I could live one day freely without fear, I truly believe people will see you. I want to live in such a way that my life is worth telling a story about. Why would I want to be lukewarm when I can live my life radically in love as an adventurer??!!
And God said "But since you are lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!" (rev. 3:16) There's really no other choice!

He is good... really good. I love how I am falling in love with everything around me.. Today at work I caught myself really engaged in some of the parents of the kids after school-- these are people that most would not associate with, and here I am falling in love with them. Okay, this isn't me. And I really like it.

I dare you to ask Him to use you... you have no idea what you're in for, and apparently neither do I.