At war.

Holding the tears back.
Filling the air with laughter.
Standing for nothing, nothing but selfish gain, pleasure, and mere acceptance. I sometimes find my pride being the facade I've created to cover the utter confusion of who I am.
Emphasizing my desire to be loved, rather than to love... I am drowning in myself, choking on who I am, suffocated by my own ignorance.

I am battling Me.

The truth is, I cannot be the one to claim victory anymore. Despite how it appears, I have no control over my own life, and no longer desire to. -Step one to this breakdown I am approaching.

Over the past few months I have decided that I need chaos, something, anything to occupy my time... little did I know my mind, heart, and integrity would also be occupied and compromised in place of. I've been on a road to nowhere, a journey leading to a compromise of me. I've appeared happy, but have taken no time to sit and really determine the source of my happiness and the fact that it was coming from an empty foundation. I can't remember the last time I sat down and passionately sought out God's desire for right now in my life... I have simply told myself "oh, you have the summer to be with God" ha, I planned to go visit Him? Wow, who am I anymore?!?

And even worse, the past few months I have given every lost person in my life a completely distorted image of God. I have been contemplating how to fix this... How to represent the God I have denied, and convey that He really is what/who I live for, despite the deficiency of Him I have shown recently. I must simply accept my failures-- words will not change it, it is my actions that will determine the real change.

So here I am, desiring brokeness-- relinquishing my pride and control and inquiring humility.

It is true that when the enemy detects a challenge he will rise up and attempt to bring the Lord's servants down... I fully believe that because I am on the brink of being fully surrendered and brought to the discretion of God's use, I must stand even more solid on my faith because I am being stretched.... I almost lost it, but I am back!

"God, my God why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" This verse continues to cry out as if one is completely forgotten and far from the Lord, questions as to how He is "enthroned as the holy one"... however, " They cried to you and were saved, In you they trusted and were not disappointed... He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one... He has listened to his cry for help." {from Psalm 22} Reading this verse it feels like this was my exact prayer.. and answer.

I had forgotten how sweet his mercies were...

My desire is to be silent, even if He is silent and just be reminded of what a great maker I have and delight in who He his. I want to be reminded of my role as His child... and my WORTH as His own. I am learning what it means to need Him, despite my pride.

This is just the interuption I have been asking for.