I believe my God is love. I am quarelling with accepting that God is selfish above loving. He is selfish in it that He wants us to love Him and bring Him glory, but I cannot fathom this God of love being so selfish that I couldn't believe He sent His Son for me. Which is not selfish if He did it for me. Did He simply have Jesus die, just so He could get glory, or because He loves us? And by loving us so much that His son died and we are redeemed and have to come to Him through the Son, in fact, brings Him glory. Which makes God receiving glory a by-product of His love for us. But is this really what is true?

I long for defense. I am striving to be solid so that I cannot be shaken. I may have to accept the direction of my beliefs are okay as long as it enables me to be the best Jesus to others I can be, though they aren't in line with what I want to believe. If that even makes any sense at all. I am believing today what I have to, in order to let the love of my Maker pour out to those around me the best.

It seems if I'm going to go half way across the world to share the gospel I should better understand it? Lord, strengthen my faith through this.

The worst battles are those within your own mind and soul... this perhaps being the essence of all I am called to be and the existence and authenticity of truth.

I'm bored.

I so quickly lose interest. I don't even have the patience or the desire to let people around me know me. I miss being around the people that bring out all my best traits. Like my friends from camp... I miss being goofy and telling the world who I am, and why I am. Somewhere along the way my understanding of Christ's desire to intimately know me became fuzzy next to my own desperation to be desired. People get in the way so easily.. Patience has escaped me and I am forgetting to only chase after my Maker and nothing else. I can't let myself become something or someone I'm not just to feel loved. I am loved!!! Sooo loved.

I have found truth, and I know truth, but somedays I don't accept it nor understand it. I justify my doubt with the idea that this is truth is not tangible... I can't touch it and I often cannot feel it. Absurd. I see truth everyday and can feel it with every breath I take. I have found romance. I know it.. but equally choose to give people credit for real romance and search for it within. How tragic. My Romancer embraces me with love daily.

Right now, no one can know me because my only definition is from the one who defined every feature I have-- my personality, my beauty, my heart. If I'm not seeking to refine myself every morning in Him then I am blur to everyone around me. I am concealed..

Lord I desire the patience to know and understand in a deeper way.. give me patience and strength to allow others to see beyond the buried identity and into your heart.

I am so thankful to be in a place where I can openly seek Him, know Him, and share Him. So how could I hold back???

I used to be such an affectionate person. Somewhere along the way my urge to love just to feel warmth became pale compared to my innate passion to do something big. I kind of became rugged at feeling, well, feelings... It's like the pain of the nations cut so deep that I became numb to the simple things. I built barriers to my own heart-- probably because of personal wounds and let downs. It is important to focus on the big picture, and it is okay to be so desperate to GO--but amidst the journey of getting there I cannot forget about my own affections. I ultimately am talking about my affection for Jesus-- and that my love for Him will cause me to do things I have never done before. Although, I think it is crucial to show affection for my surrounding loved ones-- and those also in love with Jesus. If we have already committed to an unconditional love for Christ--then it is okay to fall in love with each other, because we are falling in love with Jesus in them. I want to hug someone. That's all. A real hug. Not some side hug or pat on the back-- but I want the hug to be a genuine embrace.. the kind where you hold on for those extra few seconds and get lost in the moment. I want to get lost in affection.. caught in love for something bigger than myself.

who we are.

I was part of a missions group that went to New Orleans this past weekend and of all the jaw dropping events, people, things, etc that I saw and was a part of, there is one thing I heard that cannot escape me. As a parade for Dia de los Muertos (the day of the dead) passed around 10:30 at night -filled with the most creative sinners I've ever seen-- I overheard a man say "there go the Christians--walking the other way."

Yep, it is indeed what we are known for.. our judgement. And it sucks.

Lord, teach me how not to walk the other way. Teach me to be a lover like You. Give me words and actions to portray the same love you have for me, but for a man struggling with addiction who has no place to sleep. I want to know how to convey Your vast love, inspite of their circumstances. I don't know how...

I no longer want to be mocked for my Christian title-- in fact, I don't even want to be known for the title-- I want to be known as an intimate lover of all people. I'm not comfortable being where I am now, I need less--but in a way that seems more.