Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Just dabbling in my old words I cannot help but feel the emergence of that "half-smile"... mostly out the humor I find in maturity... of just my simple words. If only words could always be so simple, so sweet... I find myself resting against this object of my heart, all my affections are geared towards this one Love... I am so embraced, and so genuinely greatful for the mire and the mess I've been pulled out of. What a solid rock I know have!

It's been ages since I have taken the time to write in this place-- but words are everywhere else in my life. Promise.

So today, September 25th, 2008, my grandpa's 80th birthday.
~~~Everyone has their staple image of love. For me, creation. God shows His vast love through this world... the beauty that dwells above-the sky, painting many colors, giving light, marking the moment of wake and rest... the breezes.. the change of the seasons, crisp, autumn leaves- brisk, cold winds.. I mean, who couldn't sit here all day and think of their favorite moment in nature. All attributes of our awesome Creator, of course.

But when it comes to the affections of His love-- the actual feeling and emotion part-- more than anything, He uses His people, created out of His own image, to give us a glimpse into the depths of His great love for us.

I would be foolish to say that I haven't experienced and understood to deeper measures than any other human has ever given, than by my grandfather-- the true meaning of love.
-The self-lessness that he forefronts, always.
-The wisdom he gives because he so desperately wants to us all succeed.
-The ear he is always willing to be (even if you have to wake him up a few times).
-Watching him with grandma- Yes, you can still tell after 50-something years grandpa loves her!
-My favorite-- watching grandpa hold one of the little ones. Wow. The look on his face is priceless, his world couldn't be more perfect than when he is holding one of the grandkids.
-And though he may not notice... Sunday dinners. Grandpa looks around the room full of chatter and laughter-- and you can see his eyes swell up with tears, and his lip quivers (that he thinks no one sees).. He LOVES this family. With his whole heart :-)

Taking us back one year today-- the entire family gathered-- the first in my twenty years of life for this to happen. Grandpa had a heart attack.. and there was so much uncertainty ahead. An unspoken anxiety, with tears that couldn't be held back, and fear consumed most of us in that hospital waiting room. Some of us took the role of the strong, confident shoulders .. not giving much attention to emotion. Others were the weakened knees, while some graciously took the role of the fragile, careful hands holding us all together. But, I believe one role was and is certain of that day-- Grandpa was the heart of that moment. I really believe God added days to grandpa's life for a reason.. we still have a lot of learning and loving to do!

Grandpa is but a mere vessel displaying to our family how and when and to what lengths you must love.

Grandpa, your life is so precious.. and meaningful to more people than you will ever imagine. I love you! Thankyou for showing me how to be self-less.. giving.. listening.. hard-headed.. humble.. and loving:-)

I currently cannot find my passport. That is bad. Please pray BIG.

I am going to Greece 3 weeks from today, maybe.

yikes.

Part 3.75

Contentment is not what takes us to the next level. I am craving change; a thrilling intro to the next phase of life. Things are good, I have nothing to complain about. God has blessed me with an abundant life filled with friends, love, laughter.. blah, blah, blah. I desire a stimulating atmosphere that keeps you on the edge of your seat, almost scared to move forward because of the unexpected, unpredictable moment you are approaching. Now, I know that life can't always be this way. But really- I'm just bored.

I look around and am thrilled for summer, sooo anxious for next year, but this moment- ugh, I just can't jump up and down about. I really feel like I am shedding a skin-- and how many times must I do this?! I'm ready for the next page.. to turn over into an adventurous chapter that will lead into a new life journey. What could it be? My last year of college is bound to be an exciting one as I live out the dreamer in me and bring ideas and change to the table- yay? No, I'm just going through motions. I mean, I really love what I do and only do it because I know I should use what God has given me to bring good and to serve Him-- of course out of my love and desire to bring Him glory. But why am I not more excited?

I'm just bored and everything is still. I need air. I need movement. I need to be spontaneous with someone. I want to see passion in others and not feel like mine has to be burning only inside me. i.want.to.let.it.out.

Just come sweep me off my feet already...

((an anchor of hope))

We can never fully say we have it together or that we aren't a mess. I am forever a mess, when I stand alone. All I have is filthy rags in comparison to the beauty of the blood covered gift that saved my life. Looking back a year ago today at the person I was.. completely consumed by my own acceptance--by my own desire to be desired. I was seeking an identity that was in everything but the definition of Life- Satisfied in insubstantial objects and ideas.

So here I am today, in this moment, hopefully completely identified in my Maker, but knowing that I am at a loss, that I am yet, still a failure. Letting my worth be defined by something much less than myself, yet alone the designer of Love, the being that is Love- the architect of faith and builder of truth. The only way I can be loved and know love- is in Him.

Tonight was a face down moment as I was drowning in my self-loathed sin. I could only bring myself to these words:

I am so thankful for the absence of apathy within my soul today.
Today I feel the feelings and the pain of my sin is cutting deep- only
to remind me that is not my own side and flesh disturbed with pang, throbbing,
drenched in the crimson blood- But it is Jesus who is and has nailed my
failure to that tree. I so desire my thoughts to inhibit my Maker's and for my
eyes to be placed upon His face- So that my every being is interwined with His.
My worth is defined in my Shepherd that lays down His life for the sake of His lost
sheep. I am called worthy by none other. For I cannot go by the name of Hosea's chase
in shame- but in awe that my filth is worthy. I don't want to cling to what pretends to love me any longer.

Tonight I dwell on these words "Therefore, I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her... I will make the Valley of Anchor a door of hope. Therefore she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came out of Egypt." -Hosea 2:14-16
As followers- as pursuers of Love- we must sing and rejoice in this day the same as the day we were first cleansed. Only to find and know Love. And it feels... there is not a word to describe the way it feels.

Resting upon His chest we can find our worth, our definition, our reason for being, and all the Love we will ever need.

.it.never.stops.

Okay so my life has been consumed by some really silly stuff lately-- like watching 3 seasons of Grey's Anatomy with the roommate. This is a horrendous addiction I do not advise anyone to begin. But needless to say, I have been a little absent lately.

Anxiety is throbbing, however! As I have previously made known, I am going to Greece in May to work with the Roma people- ahh, a dream. I am leading, yes leading-whoa, a team of 16 students into a revolutionary, life-changing experience (or so I hope.) Blessing #1. .....
Blessing #2. I recently had someone contribute to the funds of the trip-- enormously. I didn't even know where to begin to thanks this person- I felt guilty for them giving me so much. I really had this huge burden of "how will I ever repay them?" I felt like I was going to be in debt forever. But, to my dismay, when I began thanking with as many words possible, trying with all my might to express my gratitude-- guess what the response was. "You are the blessing. We are not providing for you, God is. We are merely His instruments." This is giving!!! True giving!!! When you don't feel like you owe anything. Which only led me to a better depiction of the Cross. Oh praise the One who PAID MY DEBT! We owe nothing, zip, nada, zero... Blessing.

I can barely catch my breath at the beauty of this life.

"I blocked her on myspace"

This week has been a battle... physically for the most part. I feel so useless being sick. Today is the last day- tomorrow I will not be defeated!! But of course, this week just had to be the week of midterms. Ugh.

I believe it all began over last weekend... So, I absolutely love disciple now weekends- teenagers, junk food, endless mafia games, and Jesus-- a weekend of camp, who wouldn't love it?!? However... I was assigned 6th grade girls. This was simply a glorified babysitting job. I was exhausted come Saturday night. After yelling at these girls all night to go to sleep-- contantly telling them to get off their cell phones-- listening to their ridiculous gossip--teaching them how to have manners at the host home-- and ugh- Bible study- what a joke. So I was tempered.. I wanted to go home, get in my bed, and never see another middle school kid in my life.

But then-- they suddenly became real people, with real feelings, and a real desire to know Jesus. I watched compassion come out of 6 6th grade girls that an entire church congregation can't manage to muster up. They shed tears for ONE hurting girl-- they felt what SHE felt. This amazed me. What a perfect reflection of selflessnes- of compassion- of humility- of Jesus.

I really do love youth ministry. As tough as it is sometimes, I wouldn't trade that moment for the world.

I really don't have any wise words this evening.. I just wanted to share what these sweet girls taught me:-)

onto Calvary.. where He took my sin and sorrow.

So I logged on with the intent of "blogging" some complaints.. groaning about my day.. how I feel like poo...

I just can't fathom wasting so much breath on such a thing!
The past few days I have been in fear, in hiding... Thinking too much about my future- and fearing too much for days to come. Rather than breathing the air of today-- embracing the beauty of this very moment. You know, today, I saw a sunset more beautiful than ever before-- My Jesus painted that for me- quite the artist, I really must say.

I had only gotten more down and out preparing for this silly presentation I have to give Thursday-- on "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, a devout atheist who calls himself a scientist. My part is to talk about the root of religion- and how we only cling to "religion"-- which, we all know we are holding onto Jesus-- but we follow and live according to religion because of what we have to gain.. because he thinks we are in search of something to benefit ourselves. He is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Now, of course, I have an inheritance in the Kingdom of Heaven because I am a believer-- but I'm chasing the cross to bring my Maker all the glory He deserves!!

I could go on all day at how this man is wrong.. but again.. I would rather use my words to bring my Savior joy:-)

This week is intense.. busy.. and I need to be preparing for a D-Now weekend.. 6th grade girls!! I'm in for a real treat this weekend.

As for this moment, I am standing amazed in the presence of Jesus and wonder how He could love me.. a sinner condemned, uncleaned.. But How Marvelous and how wonderful is my Savior's love for me!!

Welcome to a "distinctively Christian college".

I've only been out of class for 24 minutes.

In Missiology class (yes, a real class) we watched a video about 3 missionaries answering a call to serve a people group.. to live and breath their culture, to understand their way of life, to spend 7 years learning their heart language... all before attempting to share the gospel. At first I was thinking, umm.. shouldn't they hurry and tell these people about Jesus?! But it all made sense.. how can you express spiritual matters through an interpretor? How can you reach a people when you don't understand why they do what they do?

The teachers/missionaries finally got to share the gospel.. All by starting in Genesis.. literally working their way through the entire Bible- waiting to even say the name of Jesus until the story of His birth. Because of this beautiful story people's eyes were opened and light was shed on a morbid society.

So here's my thought, dilemma, question, fear, dream, you name it: Moving. I'm not just talking about across the country (I've conquered that one.), but really moving.. not just my stuff and my body.. but my heart, passion, goal, EVERYTHING.. far. I've been inching my way towards this call since I was 13 years old-- 8 years later the deep-cutting desire (and even bigger fear) is STILL tugging. I keep thinking, " Lord, come on, I'll go overseas for a few weeks at a time, isn't that enough??" But I really feel Him saying.. "Drench yourself in an understanding of my people- so that when I am revealed to them, they will get it- so that I can be Glorified." Umm, now how can I not do something He specifically tells me to do.

This is just hard. Real hard. Short term excites me.. gives me a thrill like no other. Long term- scares the mess out of me.

As for today... I am going to Greece in May to share the name of Jesus with the Roma people- a people that is outcasted- a pathetic display of humanity- filthy- sinful- barely human- or at least according to the society they live in. The beauty found in the wounds will be revealed.. not as pain, but as bandaging.

So. Do I want to be comfortable or committed?

Expect another blog today... the heart is heavy.. and the only way to leviate some of the agony is to write and talk to my best friend. Praying for discernment..

Try spending one day without consulting Jesus first...

Catastrophe.

My tongue needs taming. My heart needs mending. My eyes need better vision and my ears need to heed concern. My mind needs to focus.. All while I meditate on the Law, the wisdom, and the prophecy that supposedly guides my life.

I.. people.. we.. are selfish and prideful. Humility has to be sought after. It is unnatural. Compassion is desperate.. and Love is hard to come by.

Today I saw the Glory of God over and over.. But I just refused to acknowledge it. I neglected to speak and connect to Him. Needless to say, I found myself talking and thinking thoughts that are natural to humans- but not like Jesus. Words came from my mouth that shattered the image of Christ. Ugh.

Lord, forgive me and may my heart and mind meditate on your words so that my mouth, ears, hands, and feet may bring you glory.

**On this Valentine's day I went to the "No Date Skate" at school.. it was a lot of fun. I really do like this holiday (although, everyday should essentially be about showing people you love them).. but I really love watching people love each other! It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.. Love, love, love. :-)**

For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord..

I've been thinking about this conference I attended at Southern Seminary in Louisville, KY this past weekend pretty much nonstop since I got back.. Processing the wise words we heard through I believe 7 different sessions and a mulititude of speakers.. All men who daily walk along the side of the Creator of the world.

One of the most significant stories I heard was a man talking about his 9-old-son.. Dr. Stinson told about his boy wanting to see a movie and he said "Daddy, when do I get to see that?" and his response was, "Son, do you think I would ever withold something that is good from you?" and his son replied, "Yes." Dr. Stinson's eyes were filled with tears when he repeated this-- as if an open wound was revealed to us. He then said "that is Satan attacking my family."

I'm still chewing on this.. how true it is that Satan seeks to destruct our most precious relationships. But also how true it is that God would never withold something that He intends for good for us. That is refreshing. My God has given me ALL that I need for good and happiness. How could I desire more or question His gifts?


Tonight we cried out to El Roi- which means "God is omnipresent" ...whose eyes are never shut-- to the One who never sleeps.
The One that is fully aware of my every need

"For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He watches all his paths." (Proverbs 5:21)

He is aware of all that I need, all that hurts, all that feels good, Everything.

birthdays, smirfdays.

Other than the fact that I can now say I am 21- today was just another day.

In fact, while I was at work (I work at a preschool--in the nursery), I caught myself saying things that only come with age. The things I say to these babies remind me only of my grandmother..
"Hey, booger pants!"
while feeding a baby.. "gobble, gobble" (yes, like a turkey)
everything comes in 2's.. "no, no" etc...
"ooh you made a stinky"
and there is a multitude of other ridiculous things-- that only by working at a preschool and getting older can make me say.

So 21 years.. I only have one year left of college. This next year of my life is going to be some big decision making. As if every other year hasn't been?

I'm not ready to grow up. I'm no where near being ready to settle down. My ambitions are still as far-fetched as when I was 12. I love having the heart of a kid.. I don't think I'll ever grow up.

So, what am I supposed to do on my 21st birthday? The world tells me to go to a bar. I really don't see that happening. Today is just another day, friends.

I'm going to go clean my car now (my friends found it humorous to pour heaping piles of confetti and glitter inside my car-- needless to say, I have yet to find the humor.. in fact, what a horrible thing to do to someone on their birthday!)

Happy day of life to all of you:-)

It's currently 73 degrees.. and not a cloud in the sky..

As I sat outside admiring the beauty of the day, God began to speak to me. I could hear the beautiful music being made by the Creator of the universe. I could feel every breath of life being breathed into me from something so much bigger than myself.. I could feel the wind gently embracing my cheeks, feeling like the finger tips of the Almighty. I am fascinated that this evening He will paint me a sunset that will be different than any other evening.

I was sitting with friends engaging in conversation that makes my Jesus smile. I love this place. I am just dumbfounded at the depths He has gone for me. To think.. He doesn't NEED me.. but He wants to use what little worth I have for the bigger picture. Just like the day when 5,000 people gathered to hear the Gospel.. all with empty stomachs. One little boy had some food, but not enough. Do you think Jesus really needed his basket to provide for everyone else?? Of course he didn't! But He chose to use what little the boy had to offer, to allow him to be a part of fulfilling the need. Did those people even deserve to be fed? What gave them the sense of entitlement to have food provided for them?? Did Jesus question if they had worked hard enough, or if they were going to be thankful enough?? NO! He fed them simply because they were hungry. That's it. Should we think about what the beggar is going to spend our spare change on? No. We should give because there is a need. No questions asked. Only then will we begin to be able to fill the greater need.. the deep-cutting, life-threatening need of Savior. Jesus ate with beggars and thieves. Laughed and shared with whores and tax collectors. He fulfilled physical needs... and the door for the Gospel was opened.

Tears stream down my face as I replay the past year of my life... from one extreme to the next.. God has taken a filthy rag and called it worthy to cleanse His own feet. He has taken an empty vessel and used it to breathe life into the lost. A worthless, continual sinner-- and called her beloved. An insecure harlot to a sustained bride of Jesus. He has brought me to His feet and said "I love you, child."

I am so blessed to know Him.

Today is my last day to be 20 years old. What will my 21st year bring??

I think every word that has come to mind the past month has felt too mundane or too pale a definition to create the beauty and desperation.. the darkness, yet the heartbeating of magnificent light.. the faces, the laughter, the cries-- all to longing to hear the Name-- to believe in the One.

I was hoping to create a beautiful imagery of my experience in a dark, hurting place-- a land so different than ours.. a corrupt, agonized society.. China. What can I even say? Nothing I write, nothing I say, nothing you hear.. will even remotely do the justice that is required.

So, I must simply say this- The sacrifice was worth it all. My sacrifice is a pitiful attempt to make it loud and known that He is alive- and He is saving grace- and He is the Truth. I thought I was giving something up even moving here to Mobile.. I thought I was throwing away a life of dreams and success- But it is all a blessing. Just another gift to praise my King for!! This can never be counted sacrifice...

I want a real sacrifice. I deep-cutting, life-tampering, people-shakin', roaring sacrifice that will erase the image of me and portray His Majesty only. It's coming, my friend.

I'm only blessed to know Him. I am only preparing for eternity. :-)