"I blocked her on myspace"

This week has been a battle... physically for the most part. I feel so useless being sick. Today is the last day- tomorrow I will not be defeated!! But of course, this week just had to be the week of midterms. Ugh.

I believe it all began over last weekend... So, I absolutely love disciple now weekends- teenagers, junk food, endless mafia games, and Jesus-- a weekend of camp, who wouldn't love it?!? However... I was assigned 6th grade girls. This was simply a glorified babysitting job. I was exhausted come Saturday night. After yelling at these girls all night to go to sleep-- contantly telling them to get off their cell phones-- listening to their ridiculous gossip--teaching them how to have manners at the host home-- and ugh- Bible study- what a joke. So I was tempered.. I wanted to go home, get in my bed, and never see another middle school kid in my life.

But then-- they suddenly became real people, with real feelings, and a real desire to know Jesus. I watched compassion come out of 6 6th grade girls that an entire church congregation can't manage to muster up. They shed tears for ONE hurting girl-- they felt what SHE felt. This amazed me. What a perfect reflection of selflessnes- of compassion- of humility- of Jesus.

I really do love youth ministry. As tough as it is sometimes, I wouldn't trade that moment for the world.

I really don't have any wise words this evening.. I just wanted to share what these sweet girls taught me:-)

onto Calvary.. where He took my sin and sorrow.

So I logged on with the intent of "blogging" some complaints.. groaning about my day.. how I feel like poo...

I just can't fathom wasting so much breath on such a thing!
The past few days I have been in fear, in hiding... Thinking too much about my future- and fearing too much for days to come. Rather than breathing the air of today-- embracing the beauty of this very moment. You know, today, I saw a sunset more beautiful than ever before-- My Jesus painted that for me- quite the artist, I really must say.

I had only gotten more down and out preparing for this silly presentation I have to give Thursday-- on "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, a devout atheist who calls himself a scientist. My part is to talk about the root of religion- and how we only cling to "religion"-- which, we all know we are holding onto Jesus-- but we follow and live according to religion because of what we have to gain.. because he thinks we are in search of something to benefit ourselves. He is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Now, of course, I have an inheritance in the Kingdom of Heaven because I am a believer-- but I'm chasing the cross to bring my Maker all the glory He deserves!!

I could go on all day at how this man is wrong.. but again.. I would rather use my words to bring my Savior joy:-)

This week is intense.. busy.. and I need to be preparing for a D-Now weekend.. 6th grade girls!! I'm in for a real treat this weekend.

As for this moment, I am standing amazed in the presence of Jesus and wonder how He could love me.. a sinner condemned, uncleaned.. But How Marvelous and how wonderful is my Savior's love for me!!

Welcome to a "distinctively Christian college".

I've only been out of class for 24 minutes.

In Missiology class (yes, a real class) we watched a video about 3 missionaries answering a call to serve a people group.. to live and breath their culture, to understand their way of life, to spend 7 years learning their heart language... all before attempting to share the gospel. At first I was thinking, umm.. shouldn't they hurry and tell these people about Jesus?! But it all made sense.. how can you express spiritual matters through an interpretor? How can you reach a people when you don't understand why they do what they do?

The teachers/missionaries finally got to share the gospel.. All by starting in Genesis.. literally working their way through the entire Bible- waiting to even say the name of Jesus until the story of His birth. Because of this beautiful story people's eyes were opened and light was shed on a morbid society.

So here's my thought, dilemma, question, fear, dream, you name it: Moving. I'm not just talking about across the country (I've conquered that one.), but really moving.. not just my stuff and my body.. but my heart, passion, goal, EVERYTHING.. far. I've been inching my way towards this call since I was 13 years old-- 8 years later the deep-cutting desire (and even bigger fear) is STILL tugging. I keep thinking, " Lord, come on, I'll go overseas for a few weeks at a time, isn't that enough??" But I really feel Him saying.. "Drench yourself in an understanding of my people- so that when I am revealed to them, they will get it- so that I can be Glorified." Umm, now how can I not do something He specifically tells me to do.

This is just hard. Real hard. Short term excites me.. gives me a thrill like no other. Long term- scares the mess out of me.

As for today... I am going to Greece in May to share the name of Jesus with the Roma people- a people that is outcasted- a pathetic display of humanity- filthy- sinful- barely human- or at least according to the society they live in. The beauty found in the wounds will be revealed.. not as pain, but as bandaging.

So. Do I want to be comfortable or committed?

Expect another blog today... the heart is heavy.. and the only way to leviate some of the agony is to write and talk to my best friend. Praying for discernment..

Try spending one day without consulting Jesus first...

Catastrophe.

My tongue needs taming. My heart needs mending. My eyes need better vision and my ears need to heed concern. My mind needs to focus.. All while I meditate on the Law, the wisdom, and the prophecy that supposedly guides my life.

I.. people.. we.. are selfish and prideful. Humility has to be sought after. It is unnatural. Compassion is desperate.. and Love is hard to come by.

Today I saw the Glory of God over and over.. But I just refused to acknowledge it. I neglected to speak and connect to Him. Needless to say, I found myself talking and thinking thoughts that are natural to humans- but not like Jesus. Words came from my mouth that shattered the image of Christ. Ugh.

Lord, forgive me and may my heart and mind meditate on your words so that my mouth, ears, hands, and feet may bring you glory.

**On this Valentine's day I went to the "No Date Skate" at school.. it was a lot of fun. I really do like this holiday (although, everyday should essentially be about showing people you love them).. but I really love watching people love each other! It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.. Love, love, love. :-)**

For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord..

I've been thinking about this conference I attended at Southern Seminary in Louisville, KY this past weekend pretty much nonstop since I got back.. Processing the wise words we heard through I believe 7 different sessions and a mulititude of speakers.. All men who daily walk along the side of the Creator of the world.

One of the most significant stories I heard was a man talking about his 9-old-son.. Dr. Stinson told about his boy wanting to see a movie and he said "Daddy, when do I get to see that?" and his response was, "Son, do you think I would ever withold something that is good from you?" and his son replied, "Yes." Dr. Stinson's eyes were filled with tears when he repeated this-- as if an open wound was revealed to us. He then said "that is Satan attacking my family."

I'm still chewing on this.. how true it is that Satan seeks to destruct our most precious relationships. But also how true it is that God would never withold something that He intends for good for us. That is refreshing. My God has given me ALL that I need for good and happiness. How could I desire more or question His gifts?


Tonight we cried out to El Roi- which means "God is omnipresent" ...whose eyes are never shut-- to the One who never sleeps.
The One that is fully aware of my every need

"For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He watches all his paths." (Proverbs 5:21)

He is aware of all that I need, all that hurts, all that feels good, Everything.

birthdays, smirfdays.

Other than the fact that I can now say I am 21- today was just another day.

In fact, while I was at work (I work at a preschool--in the nursery), I caught myself saying things that only come with age. The things I say to these babies remind me only of my grandmother..
"Hey, booger pants!"
while feeding a baby.. "gobble, gobble" (yes, like a turkey)
everything comes in 2's.. "no, no" etc...
"ooh you made a stinky"
and there is a multitude of other ridiculous things-- that only by working at a preschool and getting older can make me say.

So 21 years.. I only have one year left of college. This next year of my life is going to be some big decision making. As if every other year hasn't been?

I'm not ready to grow up. I'm no where near being ready to settle down. My ambitions are still as far-fetched as when I was 12. I love having the heart of a kid.. I don't think I'll ever grow up.

So, what am I supposed to do on my 21st birthday? The world tells me to go to a bar. I really don't see that happening. Today is just another day, friends.

I'm going to go clean my car now (my friends found it humorous to pour heaping piles of confetti and glitter inside my car-- needless to say, I have yet to find the humor.. in fact, what a horrible thing to do to someone on their birthday!)

Happy day of life to all of you:-)

It's currently 73 degrees.. and not a cloud in the sky..

As I sat outside admiring the beauty of the day, God began to speak to me. I could hear the beautiful music being made by the Creator of the universe. I could feel every breath of life being breathed into me from something so much bigger than myself.. I could feel the wind gently embracing my cheeks, feeling like the finger tips of the Almighty. I am fascinated that this evening He will paint me a sunset that will be different than any other evening.

I was sitting with friends engaging in conversation that makes my Jesus smile. I love this place. I am just dumbfounded at the depths He has gone for me. To think.. He doesn't NEED me.. but He wants to use what little worth I have for the bigger picture. Just like the day when 5,000 people gathered to hear the Gospel.. all with empty stomachs. One little boy had some food, but not enough. Do you think Jesus really needed his basket to provide for everyone else?? Of course he didn't! But He chose to use what little the boy had to offer, to allow him to be a part of fulfilling the need. Did those people even deserve to be fed? What gave them the sense of entitlement to have food provided for them?? Did Jesus question if they had worked hard enough, or if they were going to be thankful enough?? NO! He fed them simply because they were hungry. That's it. Should we think about what the beggar is going to spend our spare change on? No. We should give because there is a need. No questions asked. Only then will we begin to be able to fill the greater need.. the deep-cutting, life-threatening need of Savior. Jesus ate with beggars and thieves. Laughed and shared with whores and tax collectors. He fulfilled physical needs... and the door for the Gospel was opened.

Tears stream down my face as I replay the past year of my life... from one extreme to the next.. God has taken a filthy rag and called it worthy to cleanse His own feet. He has taken an empty vessel and used it to breathe life into the lost. A worthless, continual sinner-- and called her beloved. An insecure harlot to a sustained bride of Jesus. He has brought me to His feet and said "I love you, child."

I am so blessed to know Him.

Today is my last day to be 20 years old. What will my 21st year bring??