It's no use pretending...

I just had a 3 1/2 hour drive from Birmingham back to Mobile, preceded by a plane ride from St. Louis... It's dangerous to have that much thinking time so close together. My mind has not stopped spinning since around 4 o'clock this afternoon and that exhausts me! I'm wondering when did I become a person of so many feelings and emotions??? I am not sure if I like this person or not. I really don't like not understanding what you feel and so frustrated because of it that you begin saying things that make no sense. And every word said without thought puts another dent in the beauty...


As I saw his lip quiver for the first time when I entered the room I nearly broke down.. Little did I know that for the next 48 hours I was going to see this happen time and time again as I watched my grandfather become so overwhelmed by the love of his family that he lost his tenacity of being the most stubborn man alive. Walls were torn down all over the place this weekend as my family came from coast to coast (literally) to be with him. Quite frankly I couldn't stop praising God for bringing us together like He did... We all had an unspoken fear... expressed through the frequent outbursts of tears that we would shamely turn our backs to hide from each other how we really felt. It took all I had to leave them today... I want to go back so bad. I left not knowing what to say, not knowing what would happen. As I said good-bye to my grandpa I told him I would see him at Thanksgiving... he then began to cry uncontrollably. I will see him. I so desperately just want him to know it and to feel the warmth of hope, to understand a life placed in God's hands cannot be touched. One way or the other, he will be fine.. I guess I am writing out of my own lack of hope. It hurts... 9 am tomorrow, don't forget to pray.

In other news.. about those hours of thinking. I'm at a loss of wisdom.. needing much discernment. The more I learn, the more I read, the more I seek Christ... the less I find myself knowing and the more hungry I become. I'm striving for simplicity. Becoming simple is the most complex destination I've set out on. In being simple I find myself being more radical, less refined, more frustrated, and a heck of a lot more eager. I want so much to share this with someone, I want someone to say their heart is in the same place, grab my hand, and say let's go. I want to love so unconditionally... but all those I seek to love, reject it. I guess I should get used to it.. Jesus felt that everyday. I will keep loving without fear. Knowing I have the ultimate Love and Romancer pursuing me everyday.

Tomorrow will be hard and I accept that...


She says wake up, it's no use pretending
I'll keep stealing, breathing her
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms

I've got an itch...

I think school is junk sometimes. I am so ready to get out. It's not that I don't enjoy school, because really, learning is great... when I'm actually learning. I think one of my classes meets that requirement. Boo. The rest of the time I find myself drowning in books of my own choice.. Dreaming about places.. Thinking about people.. Fantasizing about the world.. Desiring to meet people that don't all look like me, talk like me, act like me. I am just ready to go. And the worst part, the only one other than my Creator who knows about this.. is this blog. This silly blog. Who am I anyways?! I would have never thought that a blog would be something I so diligently vented to day after day. It is the keeper of all my secrets and all my desires.. Yet, anyone can read, anyone can be a part of it. I guess that's the best part.. But, who will join me? Who will take my hand in this journey and escape this reality with me? I am ready for God to give me someone to go with.. I just want to be able, at the end of the day, to pour out my joy and excitement for the world, and wake up the next day and make it a reality with him.

Some sappy love story.. it's true. But that's what life is. I am ready to journey. Heck, I want to try new things. I want to backpack. I want to camp. I want to eat things I've never seen or heard of. I want to be frustrated because I can't understand languages around me. I want to be disgusted at smells of poorly cared for villages. I want to cook dinner for a family. I want to hug a dying child and tell them there is still hope. I want to teach a mother and father how to love, because it's all they have left to give. I want to give away my last material possession to a girl my own age. I want to live outside. I want to walk barefoot. I want to be with my soulmate... and even more, I want to seek the Maker of the universe and tell Him more.

I want to go.

Lord, please let these words never become simply words, but let them spur me into greater passions and greater wisdom of You.

Praise God for waking me up today! This week is going to be amazing... I get to see my family this weekend!!!!!! And the best part, my baby brother doesn't know... I love surprises and I can't wait to see the look on his face. Just, everything is good..

what?

Why when you feel it the clearest thing to rid your life of something it haunts you!? You'd think it would be easier to determine what Satan is tempting you into as oppose to what God desires for your life. I need an intervention...

Longing for a redemptive weekend. I miss my family, I miss Baylor, I miss my sisters, I miss Bush's chicken... I really don't miss camp, just my life before camp. Lord, help me to see today why I'm here and not there. Life was so much easier before! I am undoubtedly developing the strength needed for what's about to come. Okay, I get it. This is exciting.

Gotta love Fridays.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness, and speak kindly to her. Then I will give her her vineyards from there, and the valley of Achor as a door of hope. - Hosea 2:14-15

He will allure me.

Intrigued and amazed. What great love this is.

My heart is His home.

Today was long, but it ended with falling into His arms and being affirmed of why I am here, once again. 2 months ago, I let go of it all... and He has not abandoned me through any of it. The pieces are fitting together perfectly and I don't understand why.

Let anyone among you who is without sin, be the first to throw a stone at her. -Jesus

This is our world:

"Smiling cynically, Angel saw on one corner a man preaching salvation while on the other his brother, hat in hand, fleeced the godforsaken. Everywhere she looked, there were desperate men, exiled from home and family, seeking escape from the purgatory forged by their own decaying hopes for a future."

Let this not be the place we live. Loneliness is all around.. how can one make it without truth? Though we are weary, goodness will come.

This is the start of a beautiful, redeeming week. Everyday is a new step, a growing journey. Being independent, quiet, and still.. letting the world around me move while I just listen-- a whole new me is developing. I have my Jesus and I have my story... now I've gotta go make a movement. Dare to pursue the harlot?

Degrading service...

Today I am the woman at the feet of Jesus... being a notorious sinner, so undeserving of His presence, yet by and through His grace I am saved by my faith. Only because I am realizing the depth of my sin can I grasp the complete forgiveness offered to me. Whom does He love more? The debtor of 500 denarii, forgiven, or of 50? The sinner who has sinned much, and confesses, or the sinner whose sins are barely noticeable?

A person who is forgiven little, shows little love. This love consumes me because I am understanding the depths of my life of contempt, and the renewing and cleansing of my life as His!

If a woman can use the most costly oil to cleanse the feet of a man, what will be my sacrifice? Are my tears of gratitude enough to even begin to service the feet washing? I long for humility that surpasses where I am today. Let me be the woman at His feet.

New Orleans

Such a refreshing weekend... I went to New Orleans for the first time. What an experience. I was so blessed to get to see some camp friends:).


The best part of the trip was in the French Quarter. Britt and I stopped to take some pictures when she recognized a man who had come to her church... This man was homeless and was sitting with 2 of his homeless friends. We stopped to talk to them and I got to speak with Andre, who inspired me tremendously. This man literally has nothing but the clothes on his back, but was okay with it. He had such a solid faith that God would provide all he needs, he even said God provided him with a lot of things he wanted too. He talked about how he had a ministry right there in his own living room (referring to jackson square). He said people would come down maybe once or twice and share the gospel with them, but then go back home to their comfortable, nice homes. He reminded me that Jesus spent His time, right there, among the poor, the rubbish, the hopeless. Andre understood that God had a plan for his life and he was living it; he had no questions, he just lived it. Andre then began to encourage me... He told me I was beginning a journey, and it was going to be remarkable.

James 2:5.

"Did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?"

He is right. This journey is remarkable.

By the way... Andre has a family living in Virginia that would gladly take him in... In fact, he didn't even move to New Orleans until a few months ago-- He wasn't affected by the hurricane whatsoever. He just simply wanted to go and be with those who were.

Ps. 10:14.

"The unfortunate commits himself to You; You have been the helper of the orphan... O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear to vindicate the orphan and the oppressed. "

Today I will love without fear.
Today I will be more free than ever.

Today is a new day... and I'm dedicating it to you.

Let's go.

Is it fair? Is it fair that we can say every person matters... when they are living without food and water, when they have simple diseases that can be cured with better sanitation, yet die because there is no hope? Is it fair that people are born crippled and handicapped? Or that children are abandoned without a parent, without dinner, without clothes? Is it fair that 29,000 children are dying everyday because they are hungry? Is it fair to say that every person matters yet this is the world we live in.

I think we don't understand who they matter to. I think we don't understand our role as believers, as Christ followers, as humans even.

How am I supposed to accept my lifestyle when I could be saving a life?

I think we just have to come to terms with where God has called us right now, in this moment... and how can we in this very moment and place in life be resourceful for the Kingdom... No, it's not just replacing actions with sympathy if we are fully surrendered everyday where we are. Whether that be education-- study to save the world. Or work-- work like you are saving a life. Whatever it may be, I think we just have to do it for Jesus and understand that here we are capable of changing lives across the world.


It won't take away my passion to go... but it will simply conciliate me today. Everyday creating a greater ambition.

Confidence.

I am becoming comfortable here. Loving the pace of life. A much slower pace than I have probably ever had... Did I ever mention that Alabama is a little behind in time? No one is in a hurry for anything down here.

I always know when my world is about to be shaken. At the moment of comfort, I finally begin to adapt to a routine and kick back and enjoy my surroundings-- this is usually when life gets turned upside down. I can never be fully prepared for what I am about to experience. All I know is each time I am more prepared than the last. Right now, I am so confident in where I stand in life and who I am as a child of God, I feel as if I could take on anything. Whether it be another upset phone call, another heartbreak, a disappointment-- or on the brighter side, something great could be about to take place.

I am so challenged to do something great right now. I am being called into something, but can't quite put my finger on it. I've been praying about a bible study with some of the girls I've gotten close to... but not sure. I really miss being in a nursing home. This summer my eyes were opened to the abandoned hearts of the elderly, and I really miss loving on them and listening to their stories. I wonder where He will lead me next?

In other news... I had a very uplifting weekend. I experienced Alabama football. Which, is not at all just about football, it's a culture- a way of life. I had boiled peanuts-- pronounced "bold" peanuts. They were actually quite good. Who would have thought? I could probably go on and on with a list of new things I have experienced since being here. I had a spontaneous trip to the beach with a good friend... It was so good to just delight in the beauty of all God created. To hear the sound of the ocean at night... everytime the wind blew I could feel the embrace of my Maker. I just can't stop falling more in love.

He keeps rescuing me.

"Be still and know that I am God... I will be exalted among the nations... I will be exalted among the Earth." How big, how great-- just standing here without movement- knowing He longs to be known across the nations. I cannot wait to go. The people of Guiyang are about to be shaken... China. December 10th, 2007. He will be known!