Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Just dabbling in my old words I cannot help but feel the emergence of that "half-smile"... mostly out the humor I find in maturity... of just my simple words. If only words could always be so simple, so sweet... I find myself resting against this object of my heart, all my affections are geared towards this one Love... I am so embraced, and so genuinely greatful for the mire and the mess I've been pulled out of. What a solid rock I know have!

It's been ages since I have taken the time to write in this place-- but words are everywhere else in my life. Promise.

So today, September 25th, 2008, my grandpa's 80th birthday.
~~~Everyone has their staple image of love. For me, creation. God shows His vast love through this world... the beauty that dwells above-the sky, painting many colors, giving light, marking the moment of wake and rest... the breezes.. the change of the seasons, crisp, autumn leaves- brisk, cold winds.. I mean, who couldn't sit here all day and think of their favorite moment in nature. All attributes of our awesome Creator, of course.

But when it comes to the affections of His love-- the actual feeling and emotion part-- more than anything, He uses His people, created out of His own image, to give us a glimpse into the depths of His great love for us.

I would be foolish to say that I haven't experienced and understood to deeper measures than any other human has ever given, than by my grandfather-- the true meaning of love.
-The self-lessness that he forefronts, always.
-The wisdom he gives because he so desperately wants to us all succeed.
-The ear he is always willing to be (even if you have to wake him up a few times).
-Watching him with grandma- Yes, you can still tell after 50-something years grandpa loves her!
-My favorite-- watching grandpa hold one of the little ones. Wow. The look on his face is priceless, his world couldn't be more perfect than when he is holding one of the grandkids.
-And though he may not notice... Sunday dinners. Grandpa looks around the room full of chatter and laughter-- and you can see his eyes swell up with tears, and his lip quivers (that he thinks no one sees).. He LOVES this family. With his whole heart :-)

Taking us back one year today-- the entire family gathered-- the first in my twenty years of life for this to happen. Grandpa had a heart attack.. and there was so much uncertainty ahead. An unspoken anxiety, with tears that couldn't be held back, and fear consumed most of us in that hospital waiting room. Some of us took the role of the strong, confident shoulders .. not giving much attention to emotion. Others were the weakened knees, while some graciously took the role of the fragile, careful hands holding us all together. But, I believe one role was and is certain of that day-- Grandpa was the heart of that moment. I really believe God added days to grandpa's life for a reason.. we still have a lot of learning and loving to do!

Grandpa is but a mere vessel displaying to our family how and when and to what lengths you must love.

Grandpa, your life is so precious.. and meaningful to more people than you will ever imagine. I love you! Thankyou for showing me how to be self-less.. giving.. listening.. hard-headed.. humble.. and loving:-)

I currently cannot find my passport. That is bad. Please pray BIG.

I am going to Greece 3 weeks from today, maybe.

yikes.

Part 3.75

Contentment is not what takes us to the next level. I am craving change; a thrilling intro to the next phase of life. Things are good, I have nothing to complain about. God has blessed me with an abundant life filled with friends, love, laughter.. blah, blah, blah. I desire a stimulating atmosphere that keeps you on the edge of your seat, almost scared to move forward because of the unexpected, unpredictable moment you are approaching. Now, I know that life can't always be this way. But really- I'm just bored.

I look around and am thrilled for summer, sooo anxious for next year, but this moment- ugh, I just can't jump up and down about. I really feel like I am shedding a skin-- and how many times must I do this?! I'm ready for the next page.. to turn over into an adventurous chapter that will lead into a new life journey. What could it be? My last year of college is bound to be an exciting one as I live out the dreamer in me and bring ideas and change to the table- yay? No, I'm just going through motions. I mean, I really love what I do and only do it because I know I should use what God has given me to bring good and to serve Him-- of course out of my love and desire to bring Him glory. But why am I not more excited?

I'm just bored and everything is still. I need air. I need movement. I need to be spontaneous with someone. I want to see passion in others and not feel like mine has to be burning only inside me. i.want.to.let.it.out.

Just come sweep me off my feet already...

((an anchor of hope))

We can never fully say we have it together or that we aren't a mess. I am forever a mess, when I stand alone. All I have is filthy rags in comparison to the beauty of the blood covered gift that saved my life. Looking back a year ago today at the person I was.. completely consumed by my own acceptance--by my own desire to be desired. I was seeking an identity that was in everything but the definition of Life- Satisfied in insubstantial objects and ideas.

So here I am today, in this moment, hopefully completely identified in my Maker, but knowing that I am at a loss, that I am yet, still a failure. Letting my worth be defined by something much less than myself, yet alone the designer of Love, the being that is Love- the architect of faith and builder of truth. The only way I can be loved and know love- is in Him.

Tonight was a face down moment as I was drowning in my self-loathed sin. I could only bring myself to these words:

I am so thankful for the absence of apathy within my soul today.
Today I feel the feelings and the pain of my sin is cutting deep- only
to remind me that is not my own side and flesh disturbed with pang, throbbing,
drenched in the crimson blood- But it is Jesus who is and has nailed my
failure to that tree. I so desire my thoughts to inhibit my Maker's and for my
eyes to be placed upon His face- So that my every being is interwined with His.
My worth is defined in my Shepherd that lays down His life for the sake of His lost
sheep. I am called worthy by none other. For I cannot go by the name of Hosea's chase
in shame- but in awe that my filth is worthy. I don't want to cling to what pretends to love me any longer.

Tonight I dwell on these words "Therefore, I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her... I will make the Valley of Anchor a door of hope. Therefore she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came out of Egypt." -Hosea 2:14-16
As followers- as pursuers of Love- we must sing and rejoice in this day the same as the day we were first cleansed. Only to find and know Love. And it feels... there is not a word to describe the way it feels.

Resting upon His chest we can find our worth, our definition, our reason for being, and all the Love we will ever need.

.it.never.stops.

Okay so my life has been consumed by some really silly stuff lately-- like watching 3 seasons of Grey's Anatomy with the roommate. This is a horrendous addiction I do not advise anyone to begin. But needless to say, I have been a little absent lately.

Anxiety is throbbing, however! As I have previously made known, I am going to Greece in May to work with the Roma people- ahh, a dream. I am leading, yes leading-whoa, a team of 16 students into a revolutionary, life-changing experience (or so I hope.) Blessing #1. .....
Blessing #2. I recently had someone contribute to the funds of the trip-- enormously. I didn't even know where to begin to thanks this person- I felt guilty for them giving me so much. I really had this huge burden of "how will I ever repay them?" I felt like I was going to be in debt forever. But, to my dismay, when I began thanking with as many words possible, trying with all my might to express my gratitude-- guess what the response was. "You are the blessing. We are not providing for you, God is. We are merely His instruments." This is giving!!! True giving!!! When you don't feel like you owe anything. Which only led me to a better depiction of the Cross. Oh praise the One who PAID MY DEBT! We owe nothing, zip, nada, zero... Blessing.

I can barely catch my breath at the beauty of this life.

"I blocked her on myspace"

This week has been a battle... physically for the most part. I feel so useless being sick. Today is the last day- tomorrow I will not be defeated!! But of course, this week just had to be the week of midterms. Ugh.

I believe it all began over last weekend... So, I absolutely love disciple now weekends- teenagers, junk food, endless mafia games, and Jesus-- a weekend of camp, who wouldn't love it?!? However... I was assigned 6th grade girls. This was simply a glorified babysitting job. I was exhausted come Saturday night. After yelling at these girls all night to go to sleep-- contantly telling them to get off their cell phones-- listening to their ridiculous gossip--teaching them how to have manners at the host home-- and ugh- Bible study- what a joke. So I was tempered.. I wanted to go home, get in my bed, and never see another middle school kid in my life.

But then-- they suddenly became real people, with real feelings, and a real desire to know Jesus. I watched compassion come out of 6 6th grade girls that an entire church congregation can't manage to muster up. They shed tears for ONE hurting girl-- they felt what SHE felt. This amazed me. What a perfect reflection of selflessnes- of compassion- of humility- of Jesus.

I really do love youth ministry. As tough as it is sometimes, I wouldn't trade that moment for the world.

I really don't have any wise words this evening.. I just wanted to share what these sweet girls taught me:-)

onto Calvary.. where He took my sin and sorrow.

So I logged on with the intent of "blogging" some complaints.. groaning about my day.. how I feel like poo...

I just can't fathom wasting so much breath on such a thing!
The past few days I have been in fear, in hiding... Thinking too much about my future- and fearing too much for days to come. Rather than breathing the air of today-- embracing the beauty of this very moment. You know, today, I saw a sunset more beautiful than ever before-- My Jesus painted that for me- quite the artist, I really must say.

I had only gotten more down and out preparing for this silly presentation I have to give Thursday-- on "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, a devout atheist who calls himself a scientist. My part is to talk about the root of religion- and how we only cling to "religion"-- which, we all know we are holding onto Jesus-- but we follow and live according to religion because of what we have to gain.. because he thinks we are in search of something to benefit ourselves. He is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Now, of course, I have an inheritance in the Kingdom of Heaven because I am a believer-- but I'm chasing the cross to bring my Maker all the glory He deserves!!

I could go on all day at how this man is wrong.. but again.. I would rather use my words to bring my Savior joy:-)

This week is intense.. busy.. and I need to be preparing for a D-Now weekend.. 6th grade girls!! I'm in for a real treat this weekend.

As for this moment, I am standing amazed in the presence of Jesus and wonder how He could love me.. a sinner condemned, uncleaned.. But How Marvelous and how wonderful is my Savior's love for me!!