((an anchor of hope))

We can never fully say we have it together or that we aren't a mess. I am forever a mess, when I stand alone. All I have is filthy rags in comparison to the beauty of the blood covered gift that saved my life. Looking back a year ago today at the person I was.. completely consumed by my own acceptance--by my own desire to be desired. I was seeking an identity that was in everything but the definition of Life- Satisfied in insubstantial objects and ideas.

So here I am today, in this moment, hopefully completely identified in my Maker, but knowing that I am at a loss, that I am yet, still a failure. Letting my worth be defined by something much less than myself, yet alone the designer of Love, the being that is Love- the architect of faith and builder of truth. The only way I can be loved and know love- is in Him.

Tonight was a face down moment as I was drowning in my self-loathed sin. I could only bring myself to these words:

I am so thankful for the absence of apathy within my soul today.
Today I feel the feelings and the pain of my sin is cutting deep- only
to remind me that is not my own side and flesh disturbed with pang, throbbing,
drenched in the crimson blood- But it is Jesus who is and has nailed my
failure to that tree. I so desire my thoughts to inhibit my Maker's and for my
eyes to be placed upon His face- So that my every being is interwined with His.
My worth is defined in my Shepherd that lays down His life for the sake of His lost
sheep. I am called worthy by none other. For I cannot go by the name of Hosea's chase
in shame- but in awe that my filth is worthy. I don't want to cling to what pretends to love me any longer.

Tonight I dwell on these words "Therefore, I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her... I will make the Valley of Anchor a door of hope. Therefore she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came out of Egypt." -Hosea 2:14-16
As followers- as pursuers of Love- we must sing and rejoice in this day the same as the day we were first cleansed. Only to find and know Love. And it feels... there is not a word to describe the way it feels.

Resting upon His chest we can find our worth, our definition, our reason for being, and all the Love we will ever need.

.it.never.stops.

Okay so my life has been consumed by some really silly stuff lately-- like watching 3 seasons of Grey's Anatomy with the roommate. This is a horrendous addiction I do not advise anyone to begin. But needless to say, I have been a little absent lately.

Anxiety is throbbing, however! As I have previously made known, I am going to Greece in May to work with the Roma people- ahh, a dream. I am leading, yes leading-whoa, a team of 16 students into a revolutionary, life-changing experience (or so I hope.) Blessing #1. .....
Blessing #2. I recently had someone contribute to the funds of the trip-- enormously. I didn't even know where to begin to thanks this person- I felt guilty for them giving me so much. I really had this huge burden of "how will I ever repay them?" I felt like I was going to be in debt forever. But, to my dismay, when I began thanking with as many words possible, trying with all my might to express my gratitude-- guess what the response was. "You are the blessing. We are not providing for you, God is. We are merely His instruments." This is giving!!! True giving!!! When you don't feel like you owe anything. Which only led me to a better depiction of the Cross. Oh praise the One who PAID MY DEBT! We owe nothing, zip, nada, zero... Blessing.

I can barely catch my breath at the beauty of this life.